housing issues in the economic empowerment zone

I live in an "economic empowerment zone"....the PJs are down the street..complete with urine
in the hallway..most of my son's elementary school friends have moved away to better neighborhoods, making this nabe constantly struggling...My house is okay, sort of...The only urine odors in my house I encountered were from the feral
cat that got in through the basement window. (I think he slunk
around to the Chinese joint on the corner and wound up as General
Tso's Chicken)..
This week we have had
1) A shooting in a house with 2 kids..noone was killed but the shooter got away
2) A shooting across the street, while a bunch of loud kids were having a party, 3 shots fired, shooter got away.

I called the police today and they said to call 911 asap anonomously..next time it happens..

I still am trying to figure how to remove the window with the bullet hole that landed in my son's bedroom window last year. I've just taped it up. This neighborhood is getting stupid.

One of the things they tell us in AA is not to make big
decisions in the first year after a major event..ie after the death
of a loved one..or after a divorce..or even after positive
things..birth of a baby or falling in love...so not to make rash
decisions. I will wait to see if the Teaching Fellowship pans out,
where they're placing me..I'll be losing my housing subsidy due to
the income spike, so I should slowly look for something...as for the
kid, I may want to move to a state that has better instate
tuition..I'm all for the multi generational family...He's finished
with HS next year..but I doubt he'll be mature enough to survive on
his own til his early twenties..I wasnt, but had to..and I wouldn't
wish my hardscrabble life on anyone..I'll try not to be rash..

Rethinking my Performance Character before the Great Depression

I've been informed that Mae West was the wealthiest woman during the Great Depression. My new CD has been pressed up, so now I have to make a feeble attempt to promote the thing. The songs are good, the production isn't so I'm pretty lackluster about hustling the disc..But Peter has been helping me get a decent live show together..complete with great old obscure blues tunes..so this could be interesting....I maybe be po'..but there are some cool things that have happened because I've spent some of my time creating sounds/stories from ideas....the mind of an artist is tuned differently. As an artist, I get to see movements, trends, and truths before they're available to the general public. (Hell, I knew Iraq had nothing to do with 9/11 before we invaded the country..so I knew more than most US Senators..dig that...) So now I see a great depression coming, unless we get rid of these foolish men in DC. They've hocked our country up to the eyeballs, to Saudi Arabia and Communist China, abolished tariffs so that our balance of trade is off the charts... Mao Tse Tung said that the Capitalist would sell you the rope to hang him..and it's coming true...Well the depression is almost here, so it might be worth the effort to work on a new singing personae, before the collapse. My former political science professor, Ted Becker, has suggested that I model my aging singing self after Mae West, but I told him I think Lil' Kim has taken over that iconic place in the collective unconscious.. the risque busty, slutty chick with a sense of humor complete with trips to the Women's house of Detention..or in Kim's case Bedford Hills.....I think there are a finite number of roles in the game of life....like characters in the game of Clue..Mr. Whiskers, Dame Flookie..etc..When one human is knocked out of the role whether thru death or age, another takes their place. HOWEVER...the Jean Harlow "white Goddess" (first identified by Robert Graves as a muse/spirit )Is an amazing exception. She has morphed into a zillion interchangable seedpods, Brittany Spears Christine Aguilara, Gwen Stephanie, Ashley and the other Simpson, Paris Hilton , etc..My son's personal ideal is Trish Stratus, a skantily clad lady wrestler..I wonder where he got that imprint..?? I guess being around strong women....speaking of my son..and ..School..school..how wierd..the kid will have to go somewhere..and he's slacking big time..The only places that will take him will probably be Berkelee school of music, or maybe Antioch, or a place I heard of in S. California, that has a pop music department..Unless I let him hang with some scientists..I wish he was a bit more focused on science and math and could get into the tuition free Cooper Union..Blahhh..U of Miami..classical and jazz..and a good GPA...BLAAAHH>>> maybe the U of Florida...also kind of skewed toward classical and big band jazz but PERHAPS..maybe he needs to go to a community college, get a good GPA then transfer to a decent school.. He's a good actor...I'd like him to take more acting.. BLLLAAAH anyhow, so much for schooly stuff. He might just have to play bass for my band...

12 million shadow people

Alex and I ran around the demo in front of City Hall on Monday. We were in the front, but were pushed around, the police using the same old crowd tactics they used in the anti-war demonstrations of years past..noone got let into the parade route, everyone got let out..to minimize the crowd..the immigrants were hopeful..upbeat, positive..Last week, in the LA demos, the immigrants were waving Mexican flags, but since that created angst in the Nord Americano collective unconscious, the meme was telegraphed that it would be more friendly if all the Mexicanos waved Yanqui flags..which they did...wow..ideas get around fast when people are focused. If only the impeachment movement was as focused..these nutjobs would be out of the White House, and we could become a visionary, progressive humane nation.....I noticed a distinct difference in the attitude of the South Americans and Mexicans since the big demonstrations on Monday. Before, most would avoid my eyes, look down, as if to stay in the shadows. Since Monday, I see a yearning for recognition...a selbstbewustsein..self confidence, after years of dodging police, immigration people, gangs, and whatever...The labor unions were behind the marches, to a great extent, because if they include these folks in their ranks they will no longer be competing as scabs, undercutting US workers wages..How come noone talks of busting Walmart for hiring undocumented workers illegally? When I got home I turned on CNN, and saw the reportage. I was proud of Ted Kennedy and the Irish American priest (who spoke beautiful Spanish) and the Congressman from Maryland with the Irish last name who addressed the big demo down in DC. The Irish, who came en masse, who were vilified, spat on, ignored, hated by those who came before..it was right that their decendants chose to address the unloved and abused immigrants. They need to toughen up the borders, sure, AND they gotta start busting the people who hire people for less than minimum wage, without disability insurance..who don't pay into medicare, social security, taxes, etc. The sons and daughters of the Incas, Aztecs and Mayans are back..Montezuma's revenge??
Maybe I'll take my social security when I retire, and move to Guatemala..just as long as it's peaceful..they can work here, if I can get a nice cheap hacienda there...

America is beautiful.

Church Street NYC

The new Americans...They sure organized themselves quickly. I wish the antiwar people could come out as quickly and strongly. Then we'd see some changes.

Job opportunities

Annie asked me to call her friend Diane, because she's been evicted from her trailer near the Goethals Bridge. She wants me to move her buddy. Today the school called me back, to invite me to sub. Yesterday I had a fat little Chinese kid threaten to hit me..in drama class, he's in Special Ed..the subject I'm supposed to teach soon..so I decided to write and play piano at home today..as poor as I am..I want outta here!!!

Tacos in Port Richmond

>The sign in the window said something in spanish about selling photo ids, so I figured this was an authentic mexican joint. funny, they imagine the gringos can't read espanol, i guess if i moved to mexico city i could put up a sign in english advertising fake id, and noone would be the wiser. anyway, i dragged my son out to dinner, cause the apartment was totally freezing..we ran outta heating fuel. i put in 200 bucks on november 10th, and its now january 10 ish..so i though, okay, 100 per month, not so terrible. i called the fuel company and it turns out they have delivered 1200 dollars worth of fuel in december...or $750 per month. whoah..my rent is just 850...too wierd for words..the downstairs neighbor has moved out, so the landlord is losing money on this money pit..
money troubles abound this post christmas season, more than usual. december 10 i was given a pink slip, my last day of work was the day before christmas eve..i've been sending out resumes..but somethings wrong with it..they don't return my calls..maybe ishould leave off the part where I was a musician for 24 years..that's how i got my last job, by underreporting my life experience..anyhow..being financially off kilter makes me edgy..i've been depressed..can't wake up, cause i can't sleep, and wind up watching movies in the middle of the night...and don't wake my son, who goes to school late, and is pissed...well, my son and i had had an argument this morning, because he got pissed that i didn't pay his phone bill..and i told him to get a job, since i had been recently laid off. he's sixteen.. i got mad and started yelling..he said , wow, you're not much of an adult..no job and no self control..grrrr..anyhow..i gave my substitute teachers license to 3 schools and called a fourth, then went shopping in this mexican village in the middle of staten island. i guess the folks are mexican, or maybe guatamalan..or something..i don't ask, i don't tell..i was kind of astounded by the blossoming of a zillion mexican restaurants..so i guess they're not bulgarian...
i hope to get thru february..that's the tough month..i have a job in june, but spring is way off...meanwhile i can see my breath in the apartment...should I pay the electric, or pay the fuel...??? my stepmom is dead and gone, my fairy godmother who bailed me out after my aneurysm, after my fathers death, when i couldn't afford the dentist..and my tooth fell out...she is somewhere, i pray..and this one month is just a struggle to make me tough..i've struggled most of my life, so why should i complain? my struggles are miniscule compared to the rest of humanity..brazilians must forage for food in garbage dumps, pakistanis huddle under plastic tents in the hills in winter...sudanese are hacked to death by insane arabs..i am not completely able to go off to california or europe to record when i want to ..what's the big deal?

life in the slow lane

I haven't figured out how to upload pics to the site, or even how to link to other sites. i have a feeling that the blogs will be read by people in the future, trying to decrypt our society many thousands of years hence... or maybe they'll be sitting in a slightly out of sync parallel universe, and will be curious to know what makes us tick. In any case, I keep adding a paragraph from time to time. not that anyone reads this. thanks to google and pyra, we can all post our journals, rants and doctoral theses without much trouble...i'd love to be able to upload pics..i'm too tired to really say anything rant'y..i've said all i can about pat robertson and the pharisees, called the neocons a bunch of psychopaths..and now i must gain strength for tomorrow..a really long tough day...i've got to take my new cd to the pressing plant...

I want to create a new blog, but I cant

I am told my cookies are disabled. Well so are yours buddy. I'd like to create a blog that can be used by family members, to upload pics, info, letters,etc. but nah..no luck. I've got miles to go before I sleep. Maybe I can move these posts to my other blogs, and then use this one as my family blog..we'll see. J.

I wake up in a (COLD SWEAT)

I'm gonna try to publish a link and see what happens. I went up to a club in Harlem last nite, Buddy Fox (aka Bloody Socks...in Cockney Slang) had his birthday bash and aloha to nyc party there...he's moving to Maui..the place had that eerie Disneyland feel to it..Good ol boys on harley hogs and cowboy hats hanging by the 'El"..up in Harlem, not so wierd if they were gay, but I got a real hetero vibe..a white band playing blues..good barbeque menu but very corporate...nuttin' like, say, Sylvias, or even that kookie nightclub on 7th Ave. that had rented one of the bathrooms out to a Chinese restaurant, where you could get hot Southern fried chicken livers to go with your beer..now that's Harlem. Or the restaurant that shoves out a plate of pigfeet and potato salad out from behind the bullet proof plate glass window..that's Harlem..there were no pimps or pickpockets, or sloppy drunks. Most everyone looks like Columbia students with major credit lines on their credit cards..Disneyland..Harlem...they need me to tear up the joint.

EDDIE'S DEAD (THAT'S WHAT I SAID) - A Poem

EDDIES DEAD
THATS WHAT I SAID

Maybe it was a flashback
from his time in Korea
in the army
watching soldiers have sex in the open
against fences
with local girls

That caused him to think Love was dead
and made him kill himself

Or maybe he thought about his wife
dying when he was 28

Or the fact that his fiance quit him
at 52.

Maybe the stress of trying to comfort
families of the dead
Ate him up inside
Silently standing by in his clerical collar
awkward
as they came to claim body parts IDd from DNA
held inside the refrigerator trucks
humming 24/7
under the big blue tent
at Ground Zero

We had met the year before 9/11
I was the day bartender
Eddie would come in
and eat his lunch
at the bar.

We got to talking
2 ducks out of water.
Irish History
Episcopal churches
He knew my gospel choir

We’d talk for hours
After I had left my boyfriend
After his first fight with his fiance
Middle aged teenagers on the phone
He kinda liked me
I was like his sister, he said.


Eddie wasn’t very cute.
Hounddog eyes, George Washington lips
He kinda resembled Bob Hoskins
A young Alfred Hitchcock

Came to my church with me, once.
It was cool
I was proud of my buddy
in the seminary
Worked for a trade union
A people’s person
A tough Christian man.

Wierd, tho, I didnt want to call Eddie
after my brain surgery

I was afraid hed get too upset
He was a bull in a china shop
And my head felt like delicate porcelain
I had to knit alone

Eddie said he had been
shunned by the other seminarians
Because he majored in disaster counselling
Pharisees, we joked, looking for a nice
suburban parish with a cosy manse
But
EDDIES DEAD THATS WHAT I SAID
Dead from his own hand.
That’s the word from a mutual friend
I called the Brooklyn precinct
(They never got back to me)

His girlfriend broke off the engagement
Last time I saw him he was
drunk
Tipsy on his feet
How many Episcopalians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to mix the cocktails

My son and I held him up
We all had dinner together that night
He came out to visit us on Staten Island
He babbled on
Trying to figure out why his fiance had left him
Without a forwarding address
Just a goodbye email
the stress of unemployment
the stress of leaning on him
She ran out on him and the landlady
(I wondered briefly if he hadn’t done away with her, and his first wife too)
He was miserable
A bellowing bull
In mortal pain

He had comforted those families whose loved ones body parts were DNA’ed
ID’ed and claimed
down at Ground Zero
In the tent near the Pit

He stood by as they cried
Wearing his clerical collar
Silent
Awkward(He was new at that)
That’s why he was a pariah
Low man on the pastoral totem pole
According to him.
I didn’t want to see him when I took sick
He was a bull in a china shop
I was worried he would worry
Too loud..and my head hurt from surgery
Eddy knew all about history
and buildings
Pointed out the place where my great grandfather worked before the Civil War
strolling one evening in Soho
Eddie went to Harvard, even
but didn’t wear it on his sleeve
He told me a few years after we met
Me the bohemian, It was fun to have a friend who wore a suit and tie
And fit into society so well
But EDDIE’S DEAD, THAT’S WHAT I SAID

I called his job, no good
they said he passed away from bronchitis
Bronchitis?
I called the local precinct in Brooklyn
they didn’t call me back
I called the seminary
Mary worked in the office.
She gave me the lowdown.
The family wanted to keep it quiet.
She called him the last
casualty of 9/11.

what it feels like to be a pre-jim crow black

AS THE ADMINISTRATION CONTINUES WITH THE UNPROVOKED WAR, the dismantling of social security, the trade deficit, the sinking of the dollar value, as ships filled with goods from China flow in, and nothing flows out, as illegal immigrants from Mexico, Honduras, Peru, Bolivia, Guatemala flow in to NYC, creating whole little villages of illegals, I look for somewhere to turn..there are no congressmen who find this all problematic...the man who pushed thru the Medicare drug reform bill last year, is this year a lobbyist for the drug companies, at a salary of 2 million dollars per year..meanwhile American kids sign up with the National Guard to get a college education, and hold back the odd flood or riot or hurricane damage, only to be deployed to Iraq for an undetermined time, using Hillbilly armor..rummy in his patrician way distaining the soldiers who are sissy enough to look for decent flack jackets and humvee armor...take the money from kellogg brown and root, they've colllected enough money from the govt, illegally. These people who have illegally taken over the government using hacker vote counters are carpetbaggers, and are taking MY nation apart. They're dismantling 200years of legislation, based on Christian concepts, and are sending us down the tubes...

Angry Man

I'm too depressed for words...Waking up in a cold house, alone, no job, no prospects, defeated in an attempt to end the war..the Congressional Candidate also swept under in defeat..got turned down for foodstamps, turned down for a loan by my 2 rich friends, and yet I know there is lite somewhere..praying and crying and washing dishes..even the campaign people want to stick me for a couple of hundred dollars..I gave up my savings for this..to help someone run for Congress..I would do it again..the lawsuits begin...we must get to the heart of this black box, this vote miscount..Randi soldiers on bravely, ;134% of the voters turned out for Bush in Ohio...in Cayuga county..it's a MIRACLE!!..this computer hackery..meanwhile boys die in Fallujah..Angry man is our local schizophrenic, or maybe crackhead..here in Ghetto land..once a month he comes out an screams at his invisible wife, or his invisible friend...now he's screaming about being in the Army and being from Brooklyn...is Angry Man picking up on the horror vibes from "over there?" is he turned into their radio frequency of dispair??? Are schizophrenics more sensitive? More ESP prone?? Are Crackheads?? Have there been any studies on base cocaine and telepathy?? I am stone cold sober and planning to go up to harlem to see J's half sister..who had a baby in her second year of college..she's just out of her teens, like my mom was..the baby is a week old..i'm sure he's beautiful..I need coffee and a fax machine..

2 days of vote counting - God listens to prayers

It's been a week and change since the election, the republicans crowing about how the majority of the people support them, meanwhile the bush supporter diebold has the contract to run his voting machines thru much of the south. I remember making a deal with God, once when I was a little kid, asking him to let the pope live, and i would do his will. When the pope died, I took it as a sign that God didn'dt listen to prayers, Nany years of atheism, hedonism, alcoholism..well, and I wound up coming back to God who, thru Jesus Christ, answered my prayers, took me out of ruff scrapes..until recently. I prayed ferverently to let Kerry win the election. I worked hard on Barbaro's Congressional campaign, and watched as the tallies came in...we got slaughtered. Frank got only 41% of the vote, due to a last minute slander by the incumbent, accusing Barbaro of being a friend to terrorists, pederasts and socialists. I went home, hoping that at least Kerry would be president, when lo and behold, Kerry lost. I was traumatized... I remembered my prayer. I thot of my prayer about the Pope so long ago. I realized that God had said yes to my first prayer, for if the Pope was a Christian...he had been granted eternal life. And as far as the prayer about Kerry,perhaps God had said yes to that too...Kerry DID win..it is up to us to count the votes...
I have no job..the company i worked for went under the week of the election...the club i sang at in the village also is going under..i feel like i am too..i asked my ex-husband to give me a collateral loan on some artwork, since the money owed me by the campaign..hasn't been forthcoming..i worked doing fundraising..and all the last minute bills need to be gone over...i sat at the board of elections benumbed..watching one republican, one democrat sitting side by side..evaluating mail in ballots..the people scowling at us..as if we were the meany sore losers..we are..half the staff are out of work, behind on the bills...i'm out of a job..and i'm sending out resumes..everyone with money seems to scoff at me..where is this going...i don't know.

7 days til election

I' don't know if i have the software support to post from this machine..it was a problem a few months ago..lets see if this will post..

TAking back the Nation

Hi folks, I've been away, in mourning for my dad, and then recovering from the aneurysm in my head..friend Peter Crowley did a fundraiser for me at CBGB's, and then I was able to function for a while..the Screen Actor's guild helped out as did NARAS's group MusiCares, which helped with medical and living bills...My dad died without a penny, 30 years as a wedding singer and bass player, and not a nickle of anything for him, pension wise...Now that I'm well enough, I'm singing once a week in the Village, at the Pure Lounge, on Sheridan Square. I'm helping a bit on the Barbaro Campaign..Frank Barbaro is running for Congress to kick out the Neo Con incumbent in Bklyn and Staten Island..I just want a Congressman who cares about people and not about kissing corporate butt..I think we are heading in the direction of campaign reform, where ads will be run free on all the stations, courtesy of the FCC. It's insane, the govt is being run by corporations, rather than people. Most of the money they have to raise is for advertising. Gov't advertising should be free..This will allow good people who don't necessarily have a billion dollars on hand to run for office...Otherwise, I'm moving out of the country..I don't want to be looked upon as one of a hated race..the German offspring of the WWII generation were HATED, even tho they hadn't done anything..I don't want that for my son. That's it for today, I may start blogging under my name..let's see..Joy

Getting back to the real world

7 months since dad's death and surgery http://www.alexkayser.com/J/2.html that's where the picture of the craniotomy is http://www.alexkayser.com/J/1.html is the picture of the simple burial out on long island. I kept thinking i was going to die, but i heard a small voice in my head saying "na, you've got another 45 years"..I hope the voice was right.

life after brain surgery

It's been quite a while since I've published anything..My father died...I had brain surgery, and now see double. It's been high trauma..I tried to post some things and could only type squiggles. Now the problem seems to be resolved..let me see if this publishes, and if so, I can continue writing..

A note from my sister in Texas about Dad in the nursing home for Alzheimer's:
....went at dinner time tues. Dad was in the big room seated for dinner because the
east wing floor was being waxed. He was just beginning to dig into his meal when
I got there. He looked good...I sat with him, he introduced me to the guy next to
him (correctly as his daughter)..he ate well, I only had to help him a bit. Much
better than Sunday. His butt gets really uncomfortable when simply seated in the
wheel chair without an inflated cushion and fuzzy pad. On Sun. it was his main
complaint "my butt hurts"....I requested they find his cushion but no luck..it
seemed like Sun. they were very short of hands (perhaps because it was fathers
day). Anyway, yesterday I talked to Heather and she had that taken care of and
he was much more comfortable. I asked him if he'd like to get some exercise and
he said yes and attempted to stand. I guess he still thinks about walking with me
but he can't anymore. I told him I'm sorry dad but we can't do the walking anymore
but you can pull yourself along the rail and use your feet in the chair...so we did
and he said "there's nothing else to do"....I told him his tennis days were over but
we just have to do the best with what he can do. After a couple of hours he pointed
to his bed and said "we should be in there"...he was tired, so I had him put in bed
and he asked me to stay with him and I did till he fell asleep.

Tuesday at home..my day job is cutting back on days for us workers, and we have to pay 1/2 of our health insurance, so I'm going out to hock some jewelery so that the kid has some money for his graduation on Friday..the raindrops keep falling on my head in the living room, my landlord is in the process of selling the house, (has been for the past year)..and refuses to do any repairs..we get more water than the Amazon rain forest....we'll be playing out in the Hamptons next weekend, and the people are really nice to us out there..when I think that I live in America, and most of the people of the planet are worse off than me..it's totally wierd...

We were supposed to play in Princeton NJ but our driver got in a car crash and wrapped himself around a traffic light. This was a major first.."the show must go on" is a serious mantra..we sat in Sly's place up in Harlem, listening to the rain and watching HBO, cursing the guy out (after all the fund raisers we did for him..etc..) hoping he wasn't dead, cause noone wants to curse out a dead guy..he called and said he had amnesia for 6 hours after the accident..sounds really nuts..I want a van of my own..I thought we were on a tour of all the rich zip codes, but unless Springsteen writes a pardon, we'll never play in Jersey again (just kidding, Roxy the agent was very philosophical..adversity builds character..they must read a lot of Nietsche down there..or Christ..) Meanwhile monsoon season is upon us in NYC, my roof is leaking, and I wonder if I should install some umbrellas outside of the house.