EDDIE'S DEAD (THAT'S WHAT I SAID) - A Poem

EDDIES DEAD
THATS WHAT I SAID

Maybe it was a flashback
from his time in Korea
in the army
watching soldiers have sex in the open
against fences
with local girls

That caused him to think Love was dead
and made him kill himself

Or maybe he thought about his wife
dying when he was 28

Or the fact that his fiance quit him
at 52.

Maybe the stress of trying to comfort
families of the dead
Ate him up inside
Silently standing by in his clerical collar
awkward
as they came to claim body parts IDd from DNA
held inside the refrigerator trucks
humming 24/7
under the big blue tent
at Ground Zero

We had met the year before 9/11
I was the day bartender
Eddie would come in
and eat his lunch
at the bar.

We got to talking
2 ducks out of water.
Irish History
Episcopal churches
He knew my gospel choir

We’d talk for hours
After I had left my boyfriend
After his first fight with his fiance
Middle aged teenagers on the phone
He kinda liked me
I was like his sister, he said.


Eddie wasn’t very cute.
Hounddog eyes, George Washington lips
He kinda resembled Bob Hoskins
A young Alfred Hitchcock

Came to my church with me, once.
It was cool
I was proud of my buddy
in the seminary
Worked for a trade union
A people’s person
A tough Christian man.

Wierd, tho, I didnt want to call Eddie
after my brain surgery

I was afraid hed get too upset
He was a bull in a china shop
And my head felt like delicate porcelain
I had to knit alone

Eddie said he had been
shunned by the other seminarians
Because he majored in disaster counselling
Pharisees, we joked, looking for a nice
suburban parish with a cosy manse
But
EDDIES DEAD THATS WHAT I SAID
Dead from his own hand.
That’s the word from a mutual friend
I called the Brooklyn precinct
(They never got back to me)

His girlfriend broke off the engagement
Last time I saw him he was
drunk
Tipsy on his feet
How many Episcopalians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw in the lightbulb and one to mix the cocktails

My son and I held him up
We all had dinner together that night
He came out to visit us on Staten Island
He babbled on
Trying to figure out why his fiance had left him
Without a forwarding address
Just a goodbye email
the stress of unemployment
the stress of leaning on him
She ran out on him and the landlady
(I wondered briefly if he hadn’t done away with her, and his first wife too)
He was miserable
A bellowing bull
In mortal pain

He had comforted those families whose loved ones body parts were DNA’ed
ID’ed and claimed
down at Ground Zero
In the tent near the Pit

He stood by as they cried
Wearing his clerical collar
Silent
Awkward(He was new at that)
That’s why he was a pariah
Low man on the pastoral totem pole
According to him.
I didn’t want to see him when I took sick
He was a bull in a china shop
I was worried he would worry
Too loud..and my head hurt from surgery
Eddy knew all about history
and buildings
Pointed out the place where my great grandfather worked before the Civil War
strolling one evening in Soho
Eddie went to Harvard, even
but didn’t wear it on his sleeve
He told me a few years after we met
Me the bohemian, It was fun to have a friend who wore a suit and tie
And fit into society so well
But EDDIE’S DEAD, THAT’S WHAT I SAID

I called his job, no good
they said he passed away from bronchitis
Bronchitis?
I called the local precinct in Brooklyn
they didn’t call me back
I called the seminary
Mary worked in the office.
She gave me the lowdown.
The family wanted to keep it quiet.
She called him the last
casualty of 9/11.

what it feels like to be a pre-jim crow black

AS THE ADMINISTRATION CONTINUES WITH THE UNPROVOKED WAR, the dismantling of social security, the trade deficit, the sinking of the dollar value, as ships filled with goods from China flow in, and nothing flows out, as illegal immigrants from Mexico, Honduras, Peru, Bolivia, Guatemala flow in to NYC, creating whole little villages of illegals, I look for somewhere to turn..there are no congressmen who find this all problematic...the man who pushed thru the Medicare drug reform bill last year, is this year a lobbyist for the drug companies, at a salary of 2 million dollars per year..meanwhile American kids sign up with the National Guard to get a college education, and hold back the odd flood or riot or hurricane damage, only to be deployed to Iraq for an undetermined time, using Hillbilly armor..rummy in his patrician way distaining the soldiers who are sissy enough to look for decent flack jackets and humvee armor...take the money from kellogg brown and root, they've colllected enough money from the govt, illegally. These people who have illegally taken over the government using hacker vote counters are carpetbaggers, and are taking MY nation apart. They're dismantling 200years of legislation, based on Christian concepts, and are sending us down the tubes...

Angry Man

I'm too depressed for words...Waking up in a cold house, alone, no job, no prospects, defeated in an attempt to end the war..the Congressional Candidate also swept under in defeat..got turned down for foodstamps, turned down for a loan by my 2 rich friends, and yet I know there is lite somewhere..praying and crying and washing dishes..even the campaign people want to stick me for a couple of hundred dollars..I gave up my savings for this..to help someone run for Congress..I would do it again..the lawsuits begin...we must get to the heart of this black box, this vote miscount..Randi soldiers on bravely, ;134% of the voters turned out for Bush in Ohio...in Cayuga county..it's a MIRACLE!!..this computer hackery..meanwhile boys die in Fallujah..Angry man is our local schizophrenic, or maybe crackhead..here in Ghetto land..once a month he comes out an screams at his invisible wife, or his invisible friend...now he's screaming about being in the Army and being from Brooklyn...is Angry Man picking up on the horror vibes from "over there?" is he turned into their radio frequency of dispair??? Are schizophrenics more sensitive? More ESP prone?? Are Crackheads?? Have there been any studies on base cocaine and telepathy?? I am stone cold sober and planning to go up to harlem to see J's half sister..who had a baby in her second year of college..she's just out of her teens, like my mom was..the baby is a week old..i'm sure he's beautiful..I need coffee and a fax machine..

2 days of vote counting - God listens to prayers

It's been a week and change since the election, the republicans crowing about how the majority of the people support them, meanwhile the bush supporter diebold has the contract to run his voting machines thru much of the south. I remember making a deal with God, once when I was a little kid, asking him to let the pope live, and i would do his will. When the pope died, I took it as a sign that God didn'dt listen to prayers, Nany years of atheism, hedonism, alcoholism..well, and I wound up coming back to God who, thru Jesus Christ, answered my prayers, took me out of ruff scrapes..until recently. I prayed ferverently to let Kerry win the election. I worked hard on Barbaro's Congressional campaign, and watched as the tallies came in...we got slaughtered. Frank got only 41% of the vote, due to a last minute slander by the incumbent, accusing Barbaro of being a friend to terrorists, pederasts and socialists. I went home, hoping that at least Kerry would be president, when lo and behold, Kerry lost. I was traumatized... I remembered my prayer. I thot of my prayer about the Pope so long ago. I realized that God had said yes to my first prayer, for if the Pope was a Christian...he had been granted eternal life. And as far as the prayer about Kerry,perhaps God had said yes to that too...Kerry DID win..it is up to us to count the votes...
I have no job..the company i worked for went under the week of the election...the club i sang at in the village also is going under..i feel like i am too..i asked my ex-husband to give me a collateral loan on some artwork, since the money owed me by the campaign..hasn't been forthcoming..i worked doing fundraising..and all the last minute bills need to be gone over...i sat at the board of elections benumbed..watching one republican, one democrat sitting side by side..evaluating mail in ballots..the people scowling at us..as if we were the meany sore losers..we are..half the staff are out of work, behind on the bills...i'm out of a job..and i'm sending out resumes..everyone with money seems to scoff at me..where is this going...i don't know.

7 days til election

I' don't know if i have the software support to post from this machine..it was a problem a few months ago..lets see if this will post..

TAking back the Nation

Hi folks, I've been away, in mourning for my dad, and then recovering from the aneurysm in my head..friend Peter Crowley did a fundraiser for me at CBGB's, and then I was able to function for a while..the Screen Actor's guild helped out as did NARAS's group MusiCares, which helped with medical and living bills...My dad died without a penny, 30 years as a wedding singer and bass player, and not a nickle of anything for him, pension wise...Now that I'm well enough, I'm singing once a week in the Village, at the Pure Lounge, on Sheridan Square. I'm helping a bit on the Barbaro Campaign..Frank Barbaro is running for Congress to kick out the Neo Con incumbent in Bklyn and Staten Island..I just want a Congressman who cares about people and not about kissing corporate butt..I think we are heading in the direction of campaign reform, where ads will be run free on all the stations, courtesy of the FCC. It's insane, the govt is being run by corporations, rather than people. Most of the money they have to raise is for advertising. Gov't advertising should be free..This will allow good people who don't necessarily have a billion dollars on hand to run for office...Otherwise, I'm moving out of the country..I don't want to be looked upon as one of a hated race..the German offspring of the WWII generation were HATED, even tho they hadn't done anything..I don't want that for my son. That's it for today, I may start blogging under my name..let's see..Joy

Getting back to the real world

7 months since dad's death and surgery http://www.alexkayser.com/J/2.html that's where the picture of the craniotomy is http://www.alexkayser.com/J/1.html is the picture of the simple burial out on long island. I kept thinking i was going to die, but i heard a small voice in my head saying "na, you've got another 45 years"..I hope the voice was right.

life after brain surgery

It's been quite a while since I've published anything..My father died...I had brain surgery, and now see double. It's been high trauma..I tried to post some things and could only type squiggles. Now the problem seems to be resolved..let me see if this publishes, and if so, I can continue writing..

A note from my sister in Texas about Dad in the nursing home for Alzheimer's:
....went at dinner time tues. Dad was in the big room seated for dinner because the
east wing floor was being waxed. He was just beginning to dig into his meal when
I got there. He looked good...I sat with him, he introduced me to the guy next to
him (correctly as his daughter)..he ate well, I only had to help him a bit. Much
better than Sunday. His butt gets really uncomfortable when simply seated in the
wheel chair without an inflated cushion and fuzzy pad. On Sun. it was his main
complaint "my butt hurts"....I requested they find his cushion but no luck..it
seemed like Sun. they were very short of hands (perhaps because it was fathers
day). Anyway, yesterday I talked to Heather and she had that taken care of and
he was much more comfortable. I asked him if he'd like to get some exercise and
he said yes and attempted to stand. I guess he still thinks about walking with me
but he can't anymore. I told him I'm sorry dad but we can't do the walking anymore
but you can pull yourself along the rail and use your feet in the chair...so we did
and he said "there's nothing else to do"....I told him his tennis days were over but
we just have to do the best with what he can do. After a couple of hours he pointed
to his bed and said "we should be in there"...he was tired, so I had him put in bed
and he asked me to stay with him and I did till he fell asleep.

Tuesday at home..my day job is cutting back on days for us workers, and we have to pay 1/2 of our health insurance, so I'm going out to hock some jewelery so that the kid has some money for his graduation on Friday..the raindrops keep falling on my head in the living room, my landlord is in the process of selling the house, (has been for the past year)..and refuses to do any repairs..we get more water than the Amazon rain forest....we'll be playing out in the Hamptons next weekend, and the people are really nice to us out there..when I think that I live in America, and most of the people of the planet are worse off than me..it's totally wierd...

We were supposed to play in Princeton NJ but our driver got in a car crash and wrapped himself around a traffic light. This was a major first.."the show must go on" is a serious mantra..we sat in Sly's place up in Harlem, listening to the rain and watching HBO, cursing the guy out (after all the fund raisers we did for him..etc..) hoping he wasn't dead, cause noone wants to curse out a dead guy..he called and said he had amnesia for 6 hours after the accident..sounds really nuts..I want a van of my own..I thought we were on a tour of all the rich zip codes, but unless Springsteen writes a pardon, we'll never play in Jersey again (just kidding, Roxy the agent was very philosophical..adversity builds character..they must read a lot of Nietsche down there..or Christ..) Meanwhile monsoon season is upon us in NYC, my roof is leaking, and I wonder if I should install some umbrellas outside of the house.

back at the day job..we're playing out at westhampton beach this weekend..i guess they'll be celebrating the tax dividend check that mr. bush just cleared for the wealthy..meanwhile back at the ranch, i can't seem to make ends meet on my funky little salary..it's partially the economy, partially me, i'm just not enthusiastic enough..i love the paper, capitalism for the working class, a penny paper, but i'd like to earn enough to press up the record, and sit at home and write, like i used to in the good old days..oh well i'm learning that i can hold my own in the normal world, thank god for my college degree..but the world seems to be divided into the haves and the havenots..what do i have to complain about with half a million kids dying each year of malaria? or cholera?..even polio? the us has to give more to the poor nations, 10 % of the GNP to foreign aid (blowing them up to smithereens doesn't count)..to build clean water supplies, and sewage disposal, and give them 12c a day to treat malaria..jimmy carter said we give the least amount of money to poor nations, of any industrialized nation..we're turning into a bunch of marie antoinettes..i know there's a seperation of church and state in this country, but every religion tithes..gives to the poor..we've got to know that it makes economic sense to build up our neighbors, or we will be creating enemies instead of friends..that is the new challenge, the new mindset..we get so much more, by giving...

thank god it's friday, working people's happy land..jezz5000 (da kid, aged 14) is coming back from the school trip to salem massachusetts, where they studied intolerance by way of the witch trials..i'm going to chill out at home..elaine sent me some info on nyc nursing homes..she's a good friend and is a geriatric social worker, so she knows the good spots..recommends anything run by nuns..that makes sense..she says even tho i'm jewish, give me the nuns anytime, for compassionate care..my friend kieran died of aids in a catholic hospital..and they were wonderful to him..so i guess she's got something there..our single should be coming out anyday now from the pressing plant, peter and i will run around to college radio stations..i could use a decent car..but i hate all the car payments..we'll be going to atlanta blues festival this summer to play, so i guess i'll have to break down and buy something soon..also i'll have to transport my delusional dad from texas..alzheimer's is a bitch..so i'll need something roomy..oh to get a royalty check..turns out i applied too late for some film music i did years ago..they only collect for the last 3 years..i coulda been a contessa...

day after mom's day, matisse picasso show at moma with "da kid", what a pal, to actually go to an art museum with mom without major kicking and screaming..he was actually kind to me, we laughed a lot..then "da kid" cooked up some lasagna..a day of parental nirvana..co-worker deborah mentioned that museum hours are anti working folks, open til 5 when most working stiffs are finishing up the daily grind..it's true, it's true..the show..nice colors, nice shapes, i felt their spirits more than i felt the shapes..tough picasso and pervie matisse...the rest? nice permanent collection..the bagdad blogger is back on, wow, this guy deserves a pulitzer..i'm trying to come to grips with my status as prole in the big world of movers and shakers, but i still want to change and re-arrange the world..get clean water to haiti and india and bangladesh, get malaria pills to africa..bill gates on with bill moyers..explained the earth shaking "aha" fact that contrary to darwinian opinion (which had a hand in wiping out a lot of people from the irish potato famine on down to present day) giving people access to health care actually does not contribute to overpopulation, but makes the population lessen, as people realize that more of their progeny will live to be adults..this was the argument i heard from some, wars famines and plagues naturally keep the population under control, and if everyone were healthy, we'd be all dying of starvation..just ain't so, mr.malthusa, mr. darwin..the more healthy people, the more chance we have of having a healthy balance of humans on the planet..

saturday..a day of rest..the judeo christian sabbath has created the WEEKEND! I'm down to 4 days a week at my job, selling classified ads, because of my tiredness owing to interferon cocktail, i can do gigs alright, did an april 19th show at cbgbs for rc records, but came down with massive headaches the next day, owing to (I think) a reaction to the adreneline rush of performance..not unlike a hangover, but i don't drink, so that's the best idea i can come up with..it can't be the cigerette smoke, there is non in nyc clubs..smokers hang out with panhandlers in front of the clubs and restaurants all around the city, gives a whole new twist to networking..jess is upstate with my ex husband...i've been sending out for applications for him for schools..he loves the experimental school he's in now, but it might be a nice culture shock for him to try out private school, with 1 teacher for 10 students..backround notes on family.do schools ask for this stuff..if so i guess i could make a little backround history...mitrochondrial dna suggests that his patrilineal line came to the new world via the bering straits about 20,000 years ago, became choctaw indians who intermarried with runaway africans from sierra leone (mandigo people) in the 18th century..also some roots in georgia as slaves for the rebsamen family, a swiss bunch who got their landgrant around 1700...on my side there were haywards who came over via plymouth mass in the 1600's who migrated to bermuda, and were british subjects til they emigrated to nj in 1850, my great granddad joined the us navy as a coal heaver at age 16, enlisting the day before the ny draft riots, running away from his indenture to a cruel upstate farmer, and lying about his age...afterward he got us citizenship..married a nice scottish girl who's parents lived in a tenement on elizabeth street, nyc..other relatives include famine irish refugees migrating to south carolina and pennsylvania...thanks for the internet..i guess that makes our family pretty american..

it's good friday..peace to everyone..i'm at my job where it's quiet..the judeo christian passover makes ny a ghost town..i'm thankful for a seat on the train and a chance to read the papers online including the al jazeera (english version)..which has been unblocked, i guess..went to the catholic church on wednesday nite before rehearsal and sat in on a mass and a reading of the rosary..the prayers of my childhood..i'm not so into repetitive prayer..jesus said not to pray "vain repetitions" like the heathen, i'd prefer to speak to him directly, and i do, but it was beautiful, an old wacky man telling me not to stop myself from receiving communion, because thats what Jesus wants, that's why he died..what does he want now? Is this armageddon? I go to the Armageddon website..read Revelations...where it says all the nations of the world will try to rise up against Israel..certainly that is the theme of most of the Arab nations..to kill Israel..and America, because America supports Israel so heavily..jesus said when he comes back, he's coming back with a sword..is that why the europeans are anti israel, because they supported the holocaust in the first place? i know they are anti war because they have known the terror and the humiliation of war..the defeat..

back from el paso visiting my dad with alzheimers..he's living down the road from my sister and her family, in a nursing home..mostly it's spanish speaking folks..dad sort of thinks he's in a hotel or a ship in japan, and is very angry at the government for putting him in jail. he wants mostly to get back to "our country" and to get out of jail..my sister feels he's too fragile to move..he's stopped eating more than 40 percent of his required calories, he may need a belly bag to push nutrients into him..my aunt has one..4 out of 7 siblings have gotten alzheimers..2 didn't make it to 70 years old, and one was okay...the 3 last living siblings are all on aricept, in the world of delusions..some worse than others..my poor poppa is so helpless..bagdad fell yesterday, but with international jihadis swarming the terrain it could still be a scary situation...i hope they get water and food to the people, and get the looting under control, and sort out the good guys from the bad...this weekend we're recording again...

Today has been sleep, cspan, msnbc, medicine, then the whole thing all over....I've started interferon to kick hep c, and it's a year treatment, full of nausea and tiredness in the first couple of months..everyone says keep going with it..i couldn't make it to the office to sell advertising today..it was a put your head under the covers day..the war coverage is giving me flashbacks of that day..9/11/01..watching helplessly from the fire escape as those people burned to death..now we're at war and there's so much protest from the world..if the bush team had been more diplomatic, we wouldn't have alienated so many...security council supported resolution 1441..but didn't like being pushed around...been to some of the arab sites, and the photos are so heavy, pix of kids with their brains blown out..not a great way for mcamerica to win hearts and minds....the muslims are attacking all over the world..phillipines, kashmir, this thing is without borders and very pervasive...went to a catholic website, and saw how most of the muslim nations don't allow other religions to practice..killing and torture for people converting to christianity..reminds me of the catholic church in the dark ages..

Here goes nothin'..I've erased 2 blogs already, trying to figure out how to make this
thing work..I'm gonna just post these notes and see if i can get the hang of this...